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 Classics - Lists - Columns - Interviews - Fan Fiction - Cartoons - Reviews - Guides Fiction  Fan Fiction: My Dream Encounterfeaturing The Pope by pete nicely and stinky ninja "Do you know how badly I've been wanting to see him? For weeks, Anna, for weeks! I can't believe that tickets could sell out this fast." I said. Hello, my name is Jen, and my one and only priority in life is to see Pope John Paul II. My one and ONLY dream. I've been in love with him since the days of... More   Fanny-Pack-A-Palooza! by jamie flam and chaz weinhart
The fannypack. Has there ever been a piece of portable luggage as equally efficient as it is handsome? If you've heard otherwise, you are surely consorting with sacrilegious fibsters mired in a world of blasphemy. Ignore them, for they are lost in the darkness of a cold, cold world. A world where an American traveler can't wander freely in a small Kenyan village with a bright neon pink fannypack without calling attention to himself. A world where a rollerblading dynamo can't blade on the gang infested paths of Venice Beach without riling the scorn of a pack of lounging Bloods and/or Crips... More  Shamus O'McShamus Confirms and Denys Your Irish Myths by Shamus O'McShamus
Ah well hello there me lunchaboxin' lads n' lasses and to ye all a very very happy happy Saint Patty's day! Me name is Shamus and me last name is O'McShamus and oh well aye do reckon that should be easy enough for ye to remember! If ye get confused, just heed this little trick I taught meself: More  23 Terrible Songs About Mondays by jamie flam and devon lester murphyMondays can be the worst can't they? Lunchboxing equates the national Monday hating epidemic with the fact that Mondays are, for most people, the first day back at work after a weekend, and are thus the furthest point in the week from another break. Does that make any sense? In any case, we recently came across a compilation CD from a label called "Fuck My Life Records" with lots of songs about the oft-despised day of the week. After listening, we decided that as bad as Mondays are for us, they certainly could be worse. We hope you feel the same. Here is the track listing: More  11 Michael Jackson warning Signs by jason betrue and jamie flam
Corey Feldman is in the news this week after giving an interview with 20/20 about his childhood relationship with Michael Jackson. "I started looking at each piece of information, and with that came this sickening realization that there may have been many occurrences in my life and in my relationship to Michael that have created a question of doubt." He then listed the following as the "questionable" situations: More  My Turn Again by jamie flamJamie Flam's college newspaper column come to life! More  Creative People by paws o'henryThe creative people are watching each other and you're watching them. You're the only real person in the audience, really, because they're all either in one of the bands that isn't performing right now or friends of the current band or singer or friends of one of the previous... you get the idea. When I say "you" I don't mean the general you, except some of the time. Generally what I mean when I say "you" is "me," but when something is too personal or leaves "me" too exposed I push it off on "you." So thanks for putting up with my shit. More  The Original Hardy Boys Coversby jamie flam and jason betrue While in a Norwegian thrift store last summer, Northern European LUBO Correspondent Asbjörn Jannicke came across an exciting discovery. While sifting through volumes of old Hardy Boys books, he noticed a trend in some of the earlier editions: the covers all displayed the mystery-solving twosome in provacative positions. Upon further investigation, Asbjörn realized that the content of the books mirrored that of the covers. After a myriad of interviews and further research he concluded that the original Hardy Boys Books were intended as all out gay sex romps, hidden under the guise of teen mysteries. It wasn't until they hit American bookstores in the 1950's that the boys dropped the humpin' and focused more on the detective work. Still, the original book covers are pricelessly entertaining. More  LUBO Remembers Johnny by paws o'henryWhere would we be without Johnny Carson? Exactly where we are now, because he has died. Johnny Carson, whose sly jokes about Congress and other old-person topics made him wildly popular among the aged, has passed on. More  The Top 5 Moments in Presidential Inauguration History by jason betrue and jamie flamIn 1945, a mescaline-induced Thomas A. Dewey storms the Truman Inauguration Ball on horseback with four Sioux Indian cohorts, who are also "tripping balls" on peyote. In what would later be described by [1960's band The Doors front-man] Jim Morrison as "the bravest party fuck of all time," a caped Dewey attempted to fly off his stallion, shouting that he was "The Lizard Prince" before being taken out with tranquilizers by secret service agents. More My Turn by jamie flamJamie Flam's college newspaper column come to life! More  The 2005 Lunchboxing Index by tim byron(A prediction of hipster trends for 2005, compiled through weeks of solid research, including targeted data mining, focus groups, online polling and stastical analysis.) More  The Lost Choose Your Own Adventures!by jamie flam and jason betrue Lunchboxing recently came across a batch of Choose Your Own Adventure books that were never released. After some research we found that they were deemed "controversial" and "not good" and therefore never left the Choose Your Own Adventure Shipping Plant. We had the good fortune of reading them and concur with our sources that the books are indeed "not good." Still, their titles are entertaining, and we thought it would be fun to share our findings with you. More  Killing My Lobster Kabaret, Makeout Room, San Franciscoby jamie flam Last week Tim Molloy flew up from Los Angeles and we performed a sketch and showed some videos at The Killing My Lobster Kabaret at The Make Out Room in San Francisco. For those of you unfamiliar with Killing My Lobster (KML), they are (as far as I am concerned), the Bay Areas best sketch comedy group. I have only seen them a couple times, but their shows are super well produced and hilarious. They also make some great short videos, and have a dynamic and entertaining website. Anyways, they have this monthly variety cabaret where they showcase a bunch of up and coming comedians and musicians. More  A Very LUBO Holiday Image Galleryby jamie flam More  Stocking Stufferz!by jamie flam Christmas is only a few days away. Instead of scrambling aimlessly through crowded department stores in search of things to stuff into your stockings, take this short, fun list of ideas with you. Your tots are sure to love and cherish each and every item! Some of the items presume that you live in or have easy access to a forest. If you don't, find a forest ona map and drive to it. Merry Christmas! More  Dogs With Hats: Holiday Edition!by jason betrue Special treat mania! The Dogs With Hats trilogy is finally complete! Jason Betrue put together a nifty little flash movie for the holidays featuring the #1 LUBO theme of late: dogs (not to be confused with dawgz. Click here to watch the Special Holiday Edition Dogs With Hats! It is the perfect combination of obscure and silly, meaning you will like it, and you just may receive it again next week as a forward from your grandma. More  Stop! Dreidel Time.
by Maury and "Top Dog" Hello all my dreidel enthusiasts! It's been a while since we last corresponded, but boy oh boy has it been a wild one for your Uncle Maury! The last year has been a rollercoaster ride and a half with loops and scoops and drops and bloops coming at every turn. And just when I think the ride is over, out comes another scoop to scoop me away to another bloop! Now if that mouthful doesn't indicate a Maury gone cuckoo, well than I don't know what does! What have I been doing, you ask? Well, I've got two words for you: LAW SCHOOL. More  The Poetry Pantry! by jamie flam, jason betrue, and chaz weinhart
You've come to lunchboxing's pantry for a snack, but you will leave cultured and entertained. What the Poetry Pantry lacks in hydrogenated oil based goodies, it more than makes up for in delicious verse and succulent wordsmithery. Open the crockpot that is your soul and/or brain and use your skewer stick to sift through the fondue that is lunchboxing poetry. Then stick it in your mouth and let it melt, one stanza at a time. Adieu! More  You Can Make A Difference!
by paws o'henry Hello friends. With so many problems in our world, it pains me to turn to you in a plea for help. I would not ask you to open your hearts, or your pocketbooks, unless it was for a worthy cause -- but in this holiday season I must appeal to your Christian-Judeo generosity. (Muslims: exempt.) More  A Conversation With Bill Cosby, Indiana Pacerby jason betrue and jamie flam Lunchboxing recently sat down with genius comic and our personal hero, Bill Cosby to discuss life and his new career aspirations. Brace yourself: the results were out of control! More  An Open Letter To Lenny Kravitz by Captain "Doc" Calhoun
How are you doing my rock and roll man?! I wouldn't be surprised if you were "jammin' out" right now! Oh how I envy you rock stars. Always rocking out, or got your arm around the girl I've been lusting over for years on the "T.V.", right? Ha! But that's just life's special pecking order, I suppose: Rock stars get the girls on T.V. and limousines with no effort, while regular schmos like me can only get girls and limos with... A SHITLOAD OF CASH! And so I trek on trying to find my OWN path to pussy and luxury, sans money. Which leads to the reason I am contacting you, Lenny. More  Diarrhea Awareness Monthby jason betrue and jamie flam In celebration of this first ever international celebration of fecal explosions, we invite the people of the world to join us in beautiful San Diego, California from September 20-27 for ASSCON 5000, where we will have a week long convention at the lovely San Diego Convention Center. With informational booths, live entertainment, and educational seminars led by renowned scholars of the asshole, it is shaping up to be quite an event! And with Sea World, the world famous San Diego Zoo, and miles of gorgeous shoreline at your fingertips, this just might be the perfect vacation opportunity you and your family have been dreaming of! More  The Visitorfeaturing Jim Morrison by jamie flam Jim awoke at 9 am to the sound of a funeral procession outside his Parisian flat. He slowly rose to his feet, leaving the soft, silken sheets he had recently purchased at a specialty store entitled "La Soie GŽniale" around the corner from his house. He made a mental note: "Silk feels fantastic on the scrotum." More  Laser Cub's Den of Democracy 2: The Eyes Have It
by laser cub I'm happy to report that this site has had some recent visits from people in Japan, Spain, and Sweden. I welcome you, international readers, as these are three of my favorite countries. I'm also glad you're safely viewing this page from far away, because here in the United States, some of you might arouse suspicion. More  Urgent Message To Teen Wolf!
by paws o'henry Dear Scott, Hey man, I really hope this gets to you in time. I've been watching your movie, "Teen Wolf," and I seriously think you are about to make a HUGE mistake. More  Short Reviews of the CD's Currently Scattered On My Desk At Home
by jamie flam My desk is all fucked these days. Hardly conducive to "work" or "leisure," making it ultimately useless. But it does have one important function: it is single-handedly providing the fodder for this here article you are reading. How? By being the temporary home to random compact discs that will be refiled (read: shoved in with my other CD's) as soon as I get off my lazy ass for once and do something productive. So yeah, here are some CD's that happen to be on my desk, and what I think about them.More  Diary of a Carjacker by a car jacker
It never ceases to amaze me how stupid people can be. Just look at the media today. We swim through our national cable news channels, all in the 50's, and no one ever talks about me and my career. Terrorism, the economy, the election - I don't care about any of that. I am a fundamental part of the economy, I hate terrorism as much as the next freelance worker, and I think my vote counts as much as anyone else. Should me and my ilk ever receive such a noble mention as to cascade across the bottom scroll of Fox News or CNN? Nope. It's always the same story: CAR JACKER KILLS FAMILY OF FOUR IN PURSUIT OF 1989 CHRYSLER MINIVAN. NEIGHBORS HORRIFIED. First of all, the world has us wrong. We drive the economy, if you'll pardon the pun. More  Several observations about "Garden State"
by alex sepiol 1. Wes Anderson has become the Quentin Tarantino of this still-young decade. Or at least this summer. Everyone's got an indie soundtrack, a muted color palette, and depressed young people these days. More  Kiss & Tell
by jeff berson Hello fans. The name is Jeff Berson. Many of you already know about my wildly popular Kiss-and Tell column which appears in publications in the non-continental United States and in U.S. occupied territories East of Florida. But if you are a new reader, let me break you in slowly: I am an artist. My paint brush is my tongue. My mouth is my easel. And my canvas is your mouth. It's really simple: I have a need to express myself and I do it through kissing. But that expression not only takes form in the physical act of kissing, but also in its detailed literary complement. I don't consider this bragging, so if I come off as pompous or arrogant, then you my friend have some growing up to do. More  An Open Letter To Richard Kelly by jeremy padow
First, I have to tell you that I have been a huge fan of Donnie Darko since I saw it in the theater back in 2001. I like to think that my telling my friends all about the film back then added to its cult status. More  23 Biggest Surprises About the 2004 Democratic National Conventionby paws o'henry 1. In acceptance speech, Kerry vows to begin "new era of giving unions whatever they want" 2. Judeo-Muslim Golf Outing for Peace 3. No one has read "Fast Food Nation" More  Fuck Yourselffeaturing Dick Cheney by paws o'henry Vice President Dick Cheney strutted down the blue carpet leading to the West Wing. He felt the secretaries' eyes on him, but he had no time for such trivialities. He was the leader of the free world. Well, not officially the leader of the free world, because that was President George W. Bush. But Bush did what Cheney told him to do. He knew the score. More  The LUBO Guide On How Not To Meditateby charlie padow Lately, I've been trying my best to work on self-improvement. One of my New Year's resolutions this past December was to start meditating. My shrink said it would be a good way to relax and overcome my overwhelming worries about the minutia of my modern day life. More  Fiery Furnaces, The Shins @ The Wiltern, Los Angeles 6/4/2004
by charlie padow I'm a curmudgeon. The majority of contemporary music out there just makes me angry. For a long time, I lamented over the testosterone-laden grumblings of rap-metal hybrid bands who enabled legions of entitled and angst-ridden white suburban boys to get barbed wire tattoos on their biceps and purchase monster trucks. More  54 Euphemisms For Jerking Itby jason betrue, jamie flam, quarterbar, and chaz weinheart Masturbating is something that we do because it feels fantasmic. But sometimes there are just not enough words in the English language to describe the act and it's subsequent glory. That's why there are so many eupehmisms for the act of jerkin' it sweetly. Here are exactly 54 of them. More  14 Ways George Tenet Will Spend His Retirement
by paws o'henry, chaz weinheart, and jamie flam CIA Director George Tenet has resigned, citing "personal reasons." How will the head of the spy agency spend his retirement? More  42 things Renee Zellweger Will Ingest When She Needs A Quick Buzzby quarterbar, jamie flam, devon lester murphy, and paws o'henry 1. A shitload of taco sauce 2. The ol' Rolled up Car Windows + Aqua Net routine 3. Beef boullion and Peach Schnapps More  A Holiday Greeting From Lou Diamond Phillipsby lou diamond phillips Hey gang! Happy Holidays from your "true blue" Lunchboxing correspondent, Lou Diamond Phillips! I'm here with five great gift ideas that will have your baby-tots clamoring around the Christmas stocking or Chanukah socks (Jews!) all throughout the holidays and well into the New Year, guaranteed! How do I know? Because in the 80's, I was in the movie La Bamba! More  The Uninformed Guide To... Personal Financeby chaz weinhart With the frigid winter months quickly approaching (March 1, 2067) it is time that we each look closely at our lives and ascertain our personal system of values. Do you believe in God? In Honesty? For most of the people out there who are not communists, the answer to these two questions is a resounding "No." Yes, for a majority of us out there, our lives revolve around one thing entirely: Money. More  Peggieby robert levin During my twenties and thirties it was my goal to have sex with every physical type of woman on the planet. More  Calling it Quits: Beulah's Last Stand
by charlie padow Last fall, San Francisco-based indie rock band Beulah released Yoko, their ominously titled fourth and possibly final album. Sounding like a sly reference to the alleged source of the Beatles' breakup, the album was much moodier and dark than their previous pop-laden releases. Was the title alluding to the familiar Beulah themes of broken hearts and unrequited love, or was it signaling the end of an even bigger relationship? More  26 Pick-Up Lines For Those In Long-Term Relationshipsby jason betrue, jamie flam, paws o'henry, and chaz weinheart Any website can do a list of pickup lines for the singles scene, but what about people who've been in a relationship for more than a year? They too need subtle and convincing ways to communicate their need to get laid. Here are some lines to help people in long-term relationships spice things up with a little pillow talk.... sexual pillow talk. More  Where Are They Now?: Head of the Class Editionby jamie flam and devon lester murphy If you were a child of the late 80's and 90's chances are you got more of an education from ABC's hit TV series "Head of the Class" than you did in your actual classroom. Yes, from 1986 to 1991, teacher Charles P. 'Charlie' Moore not only taught a class of exceptional students Science or History or whatever, he taught a bewildered America how to laugh, how to cry, and most importantly how to 'not do the drugs.' It was a good time and the streets were safer as a direct result. Or so we here at lunchboxing love to think. But where is the cast of this epic show now? Where is all-star "teacher" Howard Hesseman? I mean, surely he resides in all of our hearts. But what about physically? Is he dead? Dying? Living in a shitty duplex? What about the rest of the dynamic cast? More |
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