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 bullied by Quarterbar on 8/30/2002 :: FAKE NEWS UPDATE FROM THATSHILARIOUS.ORG Vice President Dick Cheney Demands to be Referred as Vice President Dick Cheney the Entertainer Have a nice long weekend. bullied by Pete Nicely on 8/30/2002 :: Hey folks, just wanted to drop word that I made a few behind the scene changes to the site, including a link to the post archive and a few minor things that no one will notice. More importantly, however, is that the site is now ready to go officially live and is finally at version 1.0. Enjoy :) bullied by ryan kamins on 8/30/2002 :: MTV Madness I missed most of the MTV Video Music Awards last night. But I did get back in time to see Axl Rose's rousing finale. I don't know if I was sickened more by Axl's singing or the immediate aftermath when everyone talked about it like it was one of the world's all time greatest performances. In those words exactly. At one point they were calling it a 'spur the moment' performance as if it wasn't in the making for the past year or more. Whatever, not surprising. MTV is so damn MTV. In any case, I found the following quote on CNN.com this morning: "When I was a little boy growing up in Indiana," Jackson said softly, "I never dreamed of getting the Artist of the Millennium award."  I didn't see this award presented, but from what I have heard (Chrissie Canino), it wasn't an award at all, but just a birthday present. And it also wasn't the Artist of the Millenium Award, just a statue. In any case, Michael, my pals and I can think of a few reasons why you would have never dreamed of getting the Artist of the Millenium Award when you were a little boy growing up in Indiana: A. You were too busy being beaten severely by your dad. B. You were too busy being molested severely by your dad. C. You were such an admirer of Beethoven, you felt he deserved the award hands down. (Erik SOLO) D. You were too busy dreaming about becoming a bleach dripped anus face. (Chris Weisbart) Funny. bullied by jamie flam on 8/30/2002 :: My Review of "Vacation" by Pete N. According to the Internet, the first humans who ever took an actual “vacation” were the Ancient Spartans. After stoic months of backbreaking work, the Spartans would retire to the sandy beaches of Greece to urinate on each other for ten to eleven days. Today that has all changed. While many people picture vacation as an “ideal” sandy-beached relief from the drudgery of lame office politics and surfing the web, the reality is much much more Insane and tragic. When you have eight weeks of vacation and an income that provides you the luxury of just about living your normal life without working for that time, vacation actually looks more like this: Long hours spent regretting drinking an Americano around noon (because that’s all you had to do) because now you can’t take a nap (because that’s all you have to do). Being on vacation means having to invent reasons to step away from your computer so you can excitedly check to see if you have any new email from your friends who actually have to work. Being on vacation reminds you that no matter how pathetic a job is, it defines you and makes your life worth living. Being on vacation makes you wish you has Serena and Venus’ dad, so he could yell at you for being such a worthless pussy. Then maybe I would get off my ass, turn off the pre-show for the MTV Video Awards and hit some tennis balls against a wall. Back to work, fellas… bullied by Pete Nicely on 8/29/2002 :: this link goes to a page that has a vague reference to something called SOUR CHALLENGE. sounds great.  bullied by Quarterbar on 8/29/2002 :: Hellfire and Damnation!!  I can't believe they FINALLY made it. I've been looking around for a Burning Bible for YEARS!! After countless letters to companies the likes of Samsung, Hasbro, Konami, Def American Recordings, Disney, Ford, Random House, Sanrio, Citibank, 40 Acres and a Mule Productions, and Sylvan Learning Centers...it has finally come to fruition. The LITERAL object of my DREAMS, meaning I dream about it...OFTEN. Here are some things I've done with the Burning Bible in my dreams: Roasted Marshmallows, Warmed My Hands in the Arctic Tundra, Used it to guide my way through a dangerous cavern after my guide, Burning Branch, fell into an endless crevace, Made love to a gorgeous woman by Bible-light, then lit a post-coital cigarette for each of us using books glorious, and imaginative, flame. Wait..I just thought of something! Now, i've never dreamt of this, but bear with me. If you put on a Priest costume, and went into a church with this book, and dimmed the lights, then OPENED the book - it would scare the living jebeezus out of people! I mean, they would be like "Holy Fucking Shit! Fucking Demons are coming out of that book!" And you could watch them scatter, but you should quickly take off the collar, so when the REAL priest came in and saw that his entire congregation had fled and looked at you, as if to say "What in the tarnation is going on around here??" - you could look back in a way to suggest that you might be thinking "Heck if I know, I'm just a guy in a black shirt carrying a big book. Why the crappy turnout, Rev?" This is going on every shopping list I ever make TWICE until I get it, and maybe one extra. Click on the picture to find out MORE about how YOU can be the first person on your block to have a thing that looks like a book, but acts like an innefective flamethrower. bullied by Jason Betrue on 8/29/2002 ::  Baja Fresh is Fresh Like Doug E.! I knew this guy once who went way South into the part of Mexico that lies directly below California. He came back and I was like "yo, dude, how was your trip?" He said "Baja FRESH!" I was all, "That's rad!" and then he said "That's FRESH!" Apparently he met some guy down there that took a lot of drugs and used the word fresh a lot. My friend got in a motorcycle accident a few days later and changed a lot after his recovery. I made that entire story up. It's a lead in of sorts to this SUPER FRESH review of the Baja Fresh eatery. bullied by jamie flam on 8/29/2002 ::  Resident lunchboxer Mike Spiegelman is a famous comedian! So famous in fact, that he has his own Comedy Spectacular, "Spiegelmania". It is tommorow night in San Francisco! For more information, click here. Then, tommorow night, go. bullied by jamie flam on 8/28/2002 ::  One of those catering trucks that sets up shop at construction sites just passed by my window at work blaring the song "Tequila". The pitch range on those honking music makers aren't very good at all and make what might normally be a refreshing mid-day tune into a stale rendition that hurts my ears. It still made me laugh though. It reminded me of the time I was on State Street in Santa Barbara with Mike Senese and we saw this guy playing sax on the sidewalk. He too, was playing "Tequila". Funny thing is, that even with a much broader assortment of pitches at his disposal on his sax, it didn't sound all too much different from this catering truck. I consulted Mike today to get his take on the sound, and here's his rendition, which I agree captures it perfectly: "duh-dun dundundundun duh-dun dundundundun duh-dun dundundun BEDADLEBEEDLEBADLE" Pretty hilarious. I don't remember if the guy playing sax made much money that day, but looking back, I hope we had the decency to throw some change his way. We sure got a good laugh out of it. The best part was that when we walked back down past him an hour or so later. Guess what he was playing? TEQUILA!! I think it was the only song he knew. And he barely knew it. God bless him. bullied by jamie flam on 8/28/2002 :: Breaking News: Peach Smints Are INTENSE!! The new Peach Smints are so fucking intense I felt the need to use a naughty word to describe their intensity! I also felt the need to write a fucking review! That second expletive was absolutely unneccesary! bullied by jamie flam on 8/27/2002 ::  Remember being in 7th grade? How about being a 12th grade teacher? These are experiences that resonate within each and every one of us. Whether it be getting reprimanded for talking in class or taking a class on a trip to San Francisco for a weekend, we all have memories. Here a couple of heartwarming and not-so-heartwarming ones. Pete's Story Jamie's Story bullied by jamie flam on 8/27/2002 :: KING ME: Bush Reaffirms to Saudi Arabia US Support for their Totalitarian Brand of Feudalism "We'd support Satan if he would keep oil affordable," says Bush Aide bullied by Pete Nicely on 8/27/2002 :: The (Brotherly) Love (Movement)  Did someone say Jay-Z, N.E.R.D., Hoobastank, and 311? No? Okay. Anyways, this past weekend we sent Super Lunchboxer Tim Molloy to the Sprite Liquid Mix Tour at Jones Beach in New York where all the aformentioned performers were, uh, performing to check it out and write us a killer review! And by "sending him" we mean that he bought the ticket himself completely independent of this site and voluntarily wrote this killer review on his own terms. And for that we thank him. And when I say "killer" it a poor attempt at sounding hip and cool. And when I say "we", I mean "me". Because I am alone. And scared.... Anyhoo! To read the first part of this completely hysterical account, don't click here. Instead, Click here! bullied by jamie flam on 8/26/2002 ::  It's hard to find anyone who's not a super huge Dale Ellis fan. I mean, for Christ's sake, the guy knows how to sink a three point shot from anywhere on the floor. On top of that he's a stand-up guy who loves giving back to the game that's given him so much. You could imagine how sport commentator Jeff Berson's knees must have turned to absolute shit when he got the opportunity to meet Dale face to face! Click here for a brief transcript from their completely non-fantasmical encounter! bullied by jamie flam on 8/26/2002 ::  Are you a fan of earnest, semi-fiction coming-of-age stories set in the Bay Area suburb of Orinda? Well then aren't you in for a treat! This story is earnest, semi-fictional, and set in Orinda. And guess what? It also happens to be a coming-of-age type story too. Enjoy One Man's Dreams! bullied by jamie flam on 8/26/2002 :: |
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